I was sitting there, listening to everyone crack jokes,
pretending to laugh. "Stop being so negative Stephanie, when you think bad
things, they happen" said one voice in my head. "But I just ate ice
cream, it always moves when I eat ice cream," said the other voice. It was
February 6th at about 8:30 pm and I was 39 weeks pregnant. I had been pregnant
long enough to know that something was wrong. I waited an hour until I got home
alone and I ate a great big bowl of caramel ice cream. This was once my
favorite pastime, but after not feeling my child move for a second time, it
gained a new meaning. I called my dad to drive me to the hospital and waited
for what seemed like hours. With the first ultrasound and no heartbeat I knew
my baby was no longer living, but to spare the feelings of everyone else in the
room I kept quiet until I was officially told by the head doctor. "I'm
sorry Ms. Crawford but your baby has passed away." That was the last thing
I heard as my mind started to wander. I'm not sure what I was thinking, but it
was something in between "Am I dreaming?" and "Why is everyone
smothering me?" The process after that was long and a blur. I was put in a
hospital bed, blur, an IV was put in my arm, more blur, and then contractions
started. The contractions were just like everyone said they would be, painful,
but I was gonna do it naturally like I had decided from the beginning. Then, I
started have an anxiety attack with every contraction. Every time I felt pain, my chest got really tight, heavy and I couldn't breathe. I was dying just like
my baby and no one believed me. All the doctors and nurses would say is
"It's anxiety Stephanie, just try to breathe, you can breathe." What
was their problem? After that 3 month mark your baby is safe from miscarriage,
so it must be me who's dying, couldn't be my baby. The delivery doctor rubbed
my back as my last contraction set in. She sat on the bed next to me and said, "I know you really want to do this naturally, but I don't think you should.
I went through this some years ago and well, it's not the same feeling it is
when you're not getting the reward in the end. I want you to go through this as
comfortably as you can. It's your decision but this is horrible and you
shouldn't have to be in pain." So I decided to get an epidural. So in came the anesthesiologist, blur, then in came the midwife and told me it was time to
push. My mom held one leg and my step mom held the other. I pushed for 15
minutes and at 11:45 am on February 7th the midwife said "It's a boy." My first thought was "Does that even matter now?" My whole pregnancy
I hadn't found out the sex just to find out that I had a dead baby boy. I'm a
blunt thinker. They cleaned him up, wrapped him and put him in the bassinet
anyway. I could see him through the plastic side of the bassinet, and I was scared
of him. My biggest fear has always been death and anything that has to do with
it, so why on earth would god make me birth it? After contemplating in my head
for minutes, I finally decided to hold him. He...was...beautiful, amazing,
cute, and ....... dead. How, could he be dead and be so cute? It still didn't
click, "so I can't take him home?" and I couldn't. Well at least not
right then, and not outside of plastic wrap in a paper bag. I had Simeon Jelani
Crawford cremated. All 8pounds 2 ounces and 22 inches of him.
During my pregnancy and
definitely after it, I endured much loss. I ended a friendship of ten years with
two friends, I lost my love interest and my estranged father and his family
with whom I got closer with over the years became re-estranged. I started to
part ways with a very close friend who helped me tremendously through it all
because soon after Simeon was stillborn she became pregnant and in my thoughts, it was just plain unbearable. I hadn't had a good relationship with my mother in years
but lost my apartment so I was forced to live with her, which meant I lost my
space and dignity. I lost my figure which meant I lost all of my old clothes. I
stopped working the month before him and couldn't bring myself to go back and
have everyone look at me like a charity case so I lost my job. I talked
to myself, cried every night, laughed for no reason and hallucinated so I'm
sure for a little while I lost my mind. I...was.....LOST! Over the
last years I was able to find myself again by joining loss groups,
sharing my story, and starting a non profit in honor of my son. In all of
this, the March of Dimes and March for Babies played a big part because when I
shared my interest in having a way to honor my son at the walk they made it
happen. This walk also brings my family together every year to honor
Simeon and it makes Mother's Day a lot easier for me! I am finally able to
smile again and not feel guilty for being happy because I know Simeon is being
celebrated.
Team Simeon
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