Letting Go

So much of parenting is about letting go. It’s among the hardest things we learn to do, and we learn it again and again as our children develop and grow up.

For me, and for many parents, the most difficult thing to let go of is fear. With my first child, I was terrified of everything. I was terrified that I was going to mess up. I was terrified that he was going to get sick. Then when he DID (inevitably) get sick, I was terrified of all the worst case scenarios that could befall him. I was terrified to leave him at daycare. I was terrified to leave him anywhere. When he was just a couple of months old, my very wise mother (who has five children of her own) told me, “You’ve got to accept the fear and then let it go. Otherwise, you’re going ot miss out on all the really good parts.” That was over five years ago now, and I’m still working on it, but I’ve definitely gotten better at letting go of the fear and embracing the moment. I can’t predict the future, and I shouldn’t try.

Another toughie is letting go of control. Not one of us has true control over any part of the reproductive process. My first pregnancy came, unplanned, two months into my marriage. My second pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. My third pregnancy was terrifying in that I knew there was no way to predict what would happen. I’ve had friends who have struggled for years to conceive. I’ve had friends who’ve had unexpected pregnancies. I’ve had friends whose children came too early. I’ve had friends who’ve lost children. None of us has control. Control is an excruciatingly difficult thing to let go of, but in this crazy life, there are times when we have to realize we are not in control, and we have to take those leaps of faith. And many times, the best parts of life are on the other side of the leap.

The third really difficult thing to let go of is expectation. We all have expectations, right? We all expect our pregnancies to go a certain way. Lots of us read “What to Expect” books so we’ll…know what to expect. But what happens when life doesn’t follow the manual? What happens when a baby comes too soon, or sick, or with a birth defect? What happens when a baby won’t latch to nurse? What happens when colic sets in? What happens when a baby doesn’t meet milestones in the timeframe we’d expected? There are a million and a half “what if” scenarios. Expectations are fine for the most part, and can offer us the illusion of some kind of control, but they’re not carved in stone.

I struggled with expectations, for sure. With my first child, I was working when he was born. I was miserable. I hated leaving him each day, and I felt guilty when he was sick with RSV and had asthma when he was small. With my second, I was staying home and I thought that was going to make everything easier and better, somehow. Instead, I found myself suffering from brutal Post-partum anxiety. I had to let go of my expectation of a more easygoing first few months. I had to let go of my expectation that I could “get over it” on my own. Once I was able to let go of those expectations, I sought my doctor’s help, and things improved.  I wasn’t at all eager to try medication, but it’s made the past year of my life a lot more peaceful, and I am able to enjoy more fully the blessings my monkeys bring me on a daily basis.

And then…there is the ultimate letting go. The letting go of your CHILDREN. This encompasses pieces of all of the above, doesn’t it? Letting them go to daycare. Letting them go to a sitter. Letting them go to school. Letting them go to friends’ houses. Someday, letting them go driving, letting them go to college, letting them go as adults. None of this is ever easy. In fact, that seems like a staggering understatement. And for parents whose children have suffered health difficulties, it can be even MORE difficult. I’m 37 years old and my mother still carries outsized worries as a result of my childhood health issues (I was a premie way back in the olden days, and have auto-immune related asthma and thyroid disease). But she has taught me so much about how to let go gracefully…while maintaining your worry, of course.

When it comes right down to it, we all have to let go of so many things as parents. All we can REALLY do is our best. And that generally includes being present for our children, listening to them, and making them feel as secure as possible. I’m no expert, and I’d never presume to tell anyone what’s best for their children. But I can speak from my own experience. The more I let go, the more good I find to hold onto.

Written by: Lindsay Atherton, Mission Mom and Guest blogger